Making connections during challenging times

‘Baruch dayan emet” I thought as I heard the very sad news that Mr. G had died. Mr G. was a kind man in our congregation who had seemed larger than life. When I would see him after services on Friday night, he always had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye that matched his stature. He was a people person.

Talking with and about his children and mine, he sought me out and made sure whenever he saw me to tell me just how much he liked my latest column, which he frequently looked at before I even had a chance to see it in print. He clearly read it in its entirety, as he always had thoughtful questions or comments. He was possibly my column’s biggest fan.

One Friday night, I realized that I had not seen Mr. G. for a while in shul. It was when I subsequently wrote to his son to see if all was okay that I discovered he was unwell. Inquiring as to whether he wanted visitors, I was sadly told just how sick he was. A week later, he passed away.

Mr. G was a special man, and I learned even more about just how special he was when I visited his children during shiva. They all felt so blessed to have been around him in his final days, and each had a great appreciation for that unexpected gift of time closer to the end.

I was treated to their trip down memory lane with a stack of family photo albums of the vacations and other times he spent with his children, grandchildren, and various other family members. What a legacy to leave behind. It was during his shiva, too, that I discovered that he not only shared his thoughts about my column with me but that he also happily shared them with each of his children, along with the many other things he had read during the week. Mr. G. not only taught his children well, but others, including myself, learned from observing his actions. We can learn so much from each other if we simply take a little bit of time to “just” notice.

Most of us are too busy or too caught up in our own lives to truly appreciate those around us. We may fail to catch the smile on people’s faces or even see how they interact with others, let alone have an awareness of just how they may care. This is true of our children too, and before long what we do notice is that somehow they are all grown up and don’t necessarily want or have the time to be with us in the same way they once did.

On a recent morning, I realized that when I walked past six different people in the short time I was out, not one person looked my way or smiled. They were either oblivious or averted their gaze. I’m not suggesting that we enter into a conversation, but as someone who grew up in Canada, a smile or a “Good morning” would be nice. An awareness that someone else is sharing your walking space, especially if you have seen them the previous day, would be a nice gesture and, in these stressful times, would go a long way. 

I contrast this with the recent discovery that not only do my husband and I greet Isaac, the wonderful man who works so hard sweeping to keep our neighborhood clean, but apparently Isaac welcomes my clients to our street, as just last week one of them mentioned how incredibly lovely he was. When we notice others, it shows that we care. When we are interested in them and reach out, it might actually make their day or week. We all need this, especially right now during these very difficult days.

Loneliness and connection

LONELINESS CONTINUES to plague just about every sector of society. Governments around the world, such as the United States and the United Kingdom, have made tackling loneliness a priority. New York State has even appointed a loneliness ambassador. We can all do our part.

I recently attended a full-day conference for mental health professionals. After COVID, when everything was virtually on hold for so long, and now during wartime, when everyone has so much that they are trying to balance, it was wonderful to see more than 300 therapists so delighted to simply “be” in the presence of others, many of whom they were meeting and socializing with for the first time. You could sense the excitement of people seeking to connect with others, and the rave reviews afterward went well beyond the subject matter, the presentations, and the food.

Here are a few thoughts.

During these very difficult times, take note of how easy it is to look for the bad. With that in mind, it is even more important than ever for our well-being and that of others to see and focus on the good. Find whatever it is that you hold most dear in your life and reclaim it as best as you can. This is a great message to discuss and pass on to your children. Encourage them to see the positive and reframe the negative despite the sadness. Compassion toward others and connection will help you continue to strengthen yourself and others.

Pay attention to what is important. Don’t confuse the small stuff with the big stuff. Let go of what is not truly important in your life.

Take advantage of every day as if it may be your last. Let those you love know just how much you love them. It’s never too late.

Remind yourself that uncertainty, which we are all grappling with at the moment, becomes less problematic when you pay attention to the here and now. In this moment, even if you are not happy, you may very well be “okay.”

We need each other. Smile and reach out. It makes someone else’s day, as well as yours, a lot better. Look for what you share in common and work to ignore your differences. You just might be surprised to discover that together and united, we really will prevail.

The other day, I watched a video called Kriat Shema Al Hamita by Kippalive of fathers singing bedtime songs to their children. It is well worth looking up. Aside from the beautiful voices and the loving attunement radiating between parent and child, notice how well behaved all these young children are. Do you notice the good in your children and grandchildren or do you only notice when they misbehave? Do they misbehave because that is when grownups pay the most attention to them? It is so easy to catch them when they’re doing bad things, but do they get seen when they’re doing good things? 

The more “good” that you notice in your child – or your partner – the more good they will try to do. We all value being appreciated. When you catch people doing good things and you show them appreciation, the more they will want you to catch them doing more good things. Even a simple “What did you do in school today because I couldn’t see what you were doing and I want to hear all about it?” can help teach your children to be aware of all of the great things they do and to notice and tell you because they thrive when you “catch” them being good.

And speaking of being good, let us all take a moment to remind ourselves of all the amazing good we have experienced in our beloved country since Oct. 7. 

May we be strengthened as we go through these very challenging times. 

Am Yisrael chai.

The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana and author of Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships – Resolving Conflicts. She has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000 and specializes in trauma, grief, and bereavement. ludman@netvision.net.il, drbatyaludman.com