The Dark Triad: How to spot toxic people - opinion

The rod of evil will never rest from now until eternity –Tehillim 125:3

Do you ever wonder what motivates mass murderers? Why do so many academics and “intellectuals,” including Jews, call for Israel’s destruction and glorify sadistic savages as “freedom fighters”? Why do they accuse Israel of genocide when our enemies are clearly trying to eliminate us? How did Israeli leaders dupe so many into believing that the Oslo fairy tale of 1993 and the destruction of Gush Katif would bring peace with our hate-filled enemies? Why do world leaders tell us to ignore 100,00 rocket attacks? 

Just as we learn to differentiate poisonous plants and snakes from innocuous ones, we must learn to see who is safe and who is toxic. To do so, it is helpful to think of people as falling into three broad categories, represented by Noah’s three sons: Shem, Yafet, and Cham. They have different values, goals, and interests. Being able to identify the differences helps us react to people according to their individual mindset: 

• Shem (20%). Rav Shimon Bar Yochi called the spiritual elite b’nai aliyah. They bring God’s name (Shem) to the world. These “7Gs” are: God-centered, goodhearted, growth-oriented, generous, genuine, grateful, and gutsy. They display integrity and self-control in the face of temptations and tribulations. We can express our deepest feelings, fears, and hopes, knowing they will respond with support, empathy, and understanding and convey a sense that “You have infinite value. You are truly important. You really matter!” Family is paramount to them. They develop strong and loving bonds with family members and encourage their autonomy and individuality. They never dominate or coerce into compliance. They are careful to avoid ona’at devarim – i.e., words or gestures of mockery or scorn – and treat all people with respect, regardless of status, color, or race. Just as 20% of the children of Israel left Egypt, 20% of people are 7Gs. 
• Yafet: Yofi means “beauty.” These are artisans and craftsmen who are found in many fields, such as architecture, engineering, interior and exterior design, gardening, sculpture, and music. Their skills can either inspire and enhance holiness, as in the Temple, or used for hedonistic self-aggrandizement and the masking of evil behind an elegant exterior. 
• Cham: Cham, who raped his own father, is a symbol of the Dark Triad. This concept was first mentioned in 2002 by professors Delroy L. Paulhus and Kevin M. Williams to describe narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. The unifying factor is objectification; they use people for selfish purposes, the very opposite of true love. Just as we would be outraged if a doctor diagnosed a cancerous tumor as benign, we must be aware that professionals will often see toxic people as harmless and promise that they will improve if we forgive them and do our utmost to praise, pamper, and pity. The truth is, as a 2021 Mayo Clinic study concluded, people in The Dark Triad are not capable of love. Their relationships are opportunistic and transactional; people are objects who exist to provide kesef, kef, kavod, and koach (money, fun, honor, and power). In their minds, love is a weakness which makes people easy to manipulate. They have low to nonexistent empathy, which is the ability to feel people’s feelings within their own hearts. Despite moments of caring and even heroic acts of courage, they seek to control people, not connect to them. These terrific actors are adept at attracting attention with eye-catching “optics” or creating a “false self” that makes them seem caring and innocuous. Few realize that the optics don’t reflect reality. Theirs is a fake, godless world where “might makes right” and “looking good is all that counts,” even if the interior is empty or corrupt. 

It’s helpful to think of Dark Triad types as POOPPPPPS – pompous owners of outrageous positions of prestige, power, popularity, prosperity – and even pretentious piety. In their presence, we are likely to feel like poop – inferior, inadequate, and unworthy, since their words and behaviors convey, “You have no value other than to serve me. You can be replaced in a nanosecond! Your life has no meaning. You don’t matter.” They vilify, mock, deceive, and destroy people to feed their delusions of superiority and omnipotence. No wonder Rabbi Gamliel, son of Yehuda HaNasi warned, “Avoid relations with the ruling powers, for they draw people close only for their own interests, appearing as friends when it is to their advantage, but abandoning them in the hour of their need” (Pirkei Avot 2:3). To understand this further, be aware of the different categories. 

• Narcissists: These are shallow, self-centered types who require that people feed their delusional sense of superiority and specialness. They form cliques and clubs and engage in social climbing to enhance their status. They are not deep thinkers, not concerned with existential questions about the purpose of life, core values, or self-discovery. They are concerned with being popular and fashionable, politically and socially. They snub those they consider to be of “low value,” such as the poor, the handicapped, or people with the “wrong” skin color, weight, social status, or political views. They gauge your worth according to your bank account, your designer shoes, or the amount of “supply” you can provide. Supply can be money, attention, “likes,” applause, praise, awards, sex, even notoriety. Due to an impoverished inner world, they are easily bored and constantly crave novelty – a shopping spree, a party, or addictive substances that distract them from hidden feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and emptiness. When supply dwindles, they become agitated and explosive, hurling angry insults and accusations, such as “You’re cold and uncaring. I’m not your priority. You’re a loser! You’re to blame for all the problems. You can’t satisfy my needs.” While they cannot truly love, they may show brief “performative empathy” to get supply but quickly turn cold or sullen. As spouses or parents, they tend to be neglectful or inconsistent, show affection one minute, then get irritated, resenting the spouse or child as a burden who stifles their freedom or fails to feed their fantasies of fame and fortune. Grandiose types brag about their achievements, brilliance, fake “piety,” or awards. Vulnerable types complain endlessly about how unlucky they are, blaming others for their misery, never taking responsibility for their behavior. Beware the optics. Flashy really is trashy.
• Sociopaths: These are hustlers, “hondlers,” scammers, con artists, swindlers, charlatans, and seductive “romancers” who deceive people to get sex or money. They cheat, defraud, and dupe “suckers” into falling in love with them, donating to their fake charities or investing in their marketing schemes or quack “cures.” As religious “gurus,” they present themselves as flawless demigods whose devotees must worship them with blind obedience and prove their loyalty by tolerating sadistic abuse. As crafty salesmen, they sell properties that don’t exist, products that fail to deliver on promises, and sell themselves as healers or coaches who can cure illnesses, “erase traumas,” attract the “love of your life,” or manifest abundant wealth. Their victims wake up to reality only after finding that their bank account is empty or the “lover” has disappeared. They have no conscience, no remorse or sense of guilt for their behavior. Beware the flashy smile and seductive sales pitches. 
• Psychopaths: They are domineering alpha males/females who attain positions of power in every realm – medicine, politics, law, religion, entertainment, business, and academics. They seem “cool,” fearless, and invulnerable because their brain structure is different from “normal” people. They are emotionally dead, unable to feel grief or anxiety and are certain that anyone who does possess such feelings must be crazy, immature, or stupid. Note their creepy, unblinking eyes, intimidating stance, withering glances, spellbinding charm, and superlative confidence. There is no way to reach them, not with logic or tears. It won’t help to scream, “You’re destroying the world with drugs, junk food, wars and pesticides.” “You’re hurting me/the children with your criticism and contempt.” People just don’t matter. When a normal person undergoes an MRI scan, seeing people in pain causes the pain centers to react. With psychopaths, those same images will cause the pleasure centers in the brain to light up! They can torture people with such callous indifference because they get a thrill out of inflicting pain and inciting conflict and chaos in private or on the world stage. It is useless to drag them to therapy, as they have no conscience, no moral values, no ability to feel shame, regret, remorse – or love. They charm therapists into agreeing with them and turn family courts into their private domain. Victims who fail to act like compliant slaves are subject to escalating attacks and threatened with prison, loss of a job, alienated children, the destruction of a reputation, impoverishment, or death. They drive people crazy with crushing criticism, grouchy silences, and unpredictable, ballistic rage. Their victims, who are in a state of chronic agitation, often conclude, “I deserve abuse or it would not be happening. I must be crazy if I feel so anxious. I must need psych meds.” As the poet Heinrich Heine stated, “First you cripple us; then you accuse us of limping.” This is the result of living with a psychopath. 

Psychopaths fall into two main categories. Factor 1 types appear polished and accomplished. They have no interest in change, since they believe they are perfect. As doctors, they may perform unnecessary operations or prescribe drugs without warning of toxic side effects. They don’t educate patients about the importance of vitamin D, avoiding sugar, getting adequate sleep or exercising, since people would then be healthier and they’d lose revenue. As bosses, they exploit workers with poor pay and inhuman conditions. They enjoy playing with people’s minds, hiring and firing on whim, acting friendly one minute then cruel the next. They use “lawfare” to hide their sadism or join groups that use words like “peace,” “humanitarian aid,” and “equal rights” to hide their nefarious goals. These malicious anarchists get students to mouth mantras, like “River to the sea” or “Hitler was right” as if they care about “Palestinian” rights, when their goal is to foment revolutions so that they can take full control. 

Factor 2 types are more blatantly sadistic, showing cruelty from an early age, often torturing peers and siblings or harming animals. They are attracted to mafia-style protection rackets, gang wars, terrorism, human trafficking, drug dealing, and weapons smuggling. They hold people as slaves to gain a sense of omnipotence and superiority. They make toxic substances and toxic behavior seem like “fun” – fun to riot and rebel, to hook people on cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, junk food, pornography, prostitution, and gambling or fun to hunt down Jews, rape, torture, and kill for the exhilarating sense of power. 

Facing reality and spotting Dark Triad types

Facing reality: For those willing to face reality, knowing how to spot Dark Triad types and realizing that they are “unpleasable” keeps us from wasting time and money on therapy or “peace-making” concessions, other than what is necessary for our survival. Truly safe and loving bonds can be formed only with b’nai aliya. Love does not exist in the parallel universe they inhabit. We need coping skills, not connecting skills! Any attempt to confront them is likely to be met with scapegoating or DARVO, a term coined by Prof. Jennifer Freyd in 1997, as an acronym for deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender. Terrorists are brilliant at this. They bomb Israel, then deny that it even happened, attack Israel for trying to protect itself, and then act like innocent victims who are being unfairly attacked. In the domestic realm, they attack a victim and then, whatever the victim does in response is used as evidence of abuse or insanity. If they hit a child, grab your phone, or wake you by slamming doors in the middle of the night and you try to push back, they’ll cry, “You’re violent. I’m calling the police.” 

If you remain silent or leave the room to calm down, they run after you, banging on the bathroom door, screaming, “You’re abandoning me.” If you try to discuss their behavior, you get gaslighting – i.e., “I never did anything. You’re exaggerating and hysterical. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s your fault. You started it. If you’d just be more ____ (respectful, submissive, etc.) I wouldn’t lose control.” If you tell someone about the abuse, they’ll say you’re an evil sinner for speaking lashon hara about them. It’s a brilliant trick to shame the victim as inadequate and unworthy because then the victim attacks himself as being to blame for the abuse instead of attacking the abuser! Even small children do this when shamed by an abusive parent.

Avoid hope dope: First, we must stifle all desire for love, understanding, and support. We can expect most judges and mental health professionals to support abusers, due to their fear of losing their jobs or being sued or because they are too shallow to see the truth. Most therapists are trained to promote the classic “sales pitch,” – i.e., “Have hope. Everyone can change! Forgive and forget. Hurt people hurt people. They didn’t really mean it. You’re also to blame. Just share your feelings and everything will work out.” This is terrible advice! Never share feelings with the Dark Triad, as whatever you say will be used against you. They hide their sadism and attack anyone who dares to expose them. 

What helps: Victims often have life-long scars, such as difficulty trusting and battles with physical illnesses, nightmares, anxiety and depression. Victims often shut down their emotions and isolate to protect themselves from the pain of feeling so alone and misunderstood. Acting “unhurtable” helps victims feel less vulnerable and deprives abusers of the perverse pleasure of seeing them in pain. However, these walls can thwart our ability to experience love, joy, and simple pleasures. This is exactly what the Dark Triad wants – to crush our spirits! Healing requires distance. It is not possible to truly heal in the presence of these people. To rebuild a sense of safety, we must practice self-love and not to rely on others for our sense of value, as doing so keeps us dependent and passive. Adopting healthy disciplines builds a sense of self-trust and inner safety. Peace agreements and contracts will always be broken. Boundaries will never be respected. Trying to reason with them is futile, since their “logic” is disconnected from truth. As we heal, we restore our natural ability to feel joy, love, and gratitude. This requires changing negative mental patterns and constantly telling ourselves, “It’s not my fault that I’m not loved or respected by them. It’s not about me. I’m not even on their radar screen. They inhabit a different dimension. I refuse to define myself according to their judgments. I am not a failure, not broken or defective. There is nothing wrong with me. I am worthy of love as I am. I am good enough. I’ve always been good enough. I’m not to blame for their misery or their relentless attacks on me. I am responsible for loving me! I heal as I learn to accept and love myself, all of me, exactly as I am in this moment! A part of me actually is ‘unhurtable,’ beyond their reach! It’s called my neshama, which is holy and can transcend all their insults and injuries.”■

Dr. Adahan is a S.O.D.A. (survivor of domestic abuse) and has a private practice in Israel. Her latest book is Raising Spiritual Champs, Including Yourself – to help raise compassionate, caring children. She can be reached at miriamadahan13@gmail.com.