The legendary Jewish humor of Woody Allen

Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg) is a Jewish filmmaker, actor and standup comedian whose work I have loved for decades. He will be 78 in November.

Allen has a wild sense of humor, tinged with Yiddishkeit. He has written and directed 48 films – almost one a year since his directorial debut in 1966’s What’s Up, Tiger Lily.

In it, Allen uses a boring Japanese spy film and dubs it with new dialogue that changes the film from a James Bond clone into a comedy about the search for the world’s best egg salad recipe.

The great jokes of Woody Allen's classic Jewish comedy

The Jewish quest for food! To paraphrase the unforgettable comic Jackie Mason: Whats the difference between Jews and Gentiles? After the show, all the Gentiles are asking: Want to go for a drink? While all the Jews are asking: Want to get something to eat?

And then there’s the joke Allen tells, poker-faced, during the opening monologue of his 1977 movie, Annie Hall. 

A woman at a Catskills resort comments to her friend: “The food here is really terrible.” The other replies, “Yes, I know. And such small portions!”

Here are a few Allen one-liners, and their Jewish life lessons:

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Fear of death is a human penchant Allen loved to joke about. Laughter helps us deal with our fears – and heaven knows as Jews we have a lot of those!

“Not only is there no God but try getting a plumber on weekends.” 

Seriously, try finding a plumber in Israel on the weekends. To the famous Israeli comedy trio HaGashash HaHiver (founded in 1963), “Plumbers are now like doctors – they do not make house calls.”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.” 

Hindu philosophy counsels that the world is not real: It is only the observer who brings the world into existence. The observer is the creator. There are also aspects of kabbalistic thought that reflect this view. And I surely overpaid for our synthetic New Zealand genuine wool carpet. 

We Jewish people, we want value for our money. We hate overpaying. And we are always being sold illusions, Allen cautions. We are sold the illusion of luxury, speed, safety and power. But it’s OK, he says, as long as we get 20% off. 

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.” 

Like many artists, Allen made art out of his life, including one of his marriages, which became the basis for the superb film Manhattan. He grew up in Brooklyn, born to Nettie and Martin Konigsberger. Apparently, his parents did not get along and he tangled a lot with his authoritarian mother.

“More than at any time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

Face it, we Jews have a lachrymose view of life. For good reason. Throughout history, we haven’t had a whole lot of great options – like possibly drowning in the Sea of Reeds or being massacred by Pharaoh and the Egyptians. Allen’s gift is to make that humorous. Though, at the time, I doubt Moses was laughing much.

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.“ 

Another hilarious example of Jewish pessimism. 

“The lion and the lamb shall lie down together but the lamb won’t get much sleep.”

This is one of Woody Allen’s wisecracks that shows he knows his Bible, somewhat. Actually, the true quote is from Isaiah, “The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat.” But “lion” works better. 

“Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends very little on office supplies.”

I disagree. Organized crime in America is called capitalism. And capitalists spend a whole lot on office supplies. Like $11 billion on paper clips a year. Honest. 

“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him ‘Be fruitful, and multiply’ but not in those words.” 

Straight out of Genesis. “Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth.” Allen uses his biblical knowledge wittily. In terms of following its suggestion, he is father to one son, Ronan Farrow, an investigative reporter. I guess his films were his other babies. 

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.”

Steal like an artist, they say. Artists borrow freely from other artists. Woody does, too and freely admits that all artists “steal” from each other. This one is straight from a well-known age-old Jewish saying – A mentsch tracht und Gott lacht. “Man plans, God laughs.” Sounds better in Yiddish. Actually, everything does. Even quantum mechanics.

The legendary Jewish movie producer Samuel Goldwyn once said that verbal agreements were not worth the paper they are written on! Neither, he might have added, are long-range plans. Or maybe any plans. 

A lot happens to us Jews while we are making plans. As John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” And he wasn’t even Jewish. 

“If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Tom Cruise’s fingertips.”

Reincarnation is not mentioned in the Bible, the Talmud, or by Maimonides (Rambam). But it is prominent in the Kabbalah, in works of Jewish mysticism. If there is reincarnation, we don’t get to choose what we come back as. Too bad. 

“I don’t believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

As Jews, we hedge our bets. Leaving this world? Bring along a clean shirt, just in case – you never know who you might encounter. The Rambam says, the afterlife is the “here and now.” You wouldn’t know it. 

“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I keep getting the urge to conquer Poland.”

This joke is, of course, a reference to Hitler’s favorite composer. Jews have the gift of being able to laugh in the face of great tragedy.

On the subject of music, Allen plays clarinet at a high level. He took his name “Woody” from renowned jazz band clarinetist Woody Herman. Allen and his New Orleans Jazz Band used to play every Monday evening at the Carlyle Hotel in Manhattan. And they were really good.

“Once I cheated on a metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the student next to me.”

Was this one a bit above the heads of the usual standup crowd? Did they know that metaphysics is the third branch of philosophy, after ethics and logic? Even if they didn’t, it’s still funny. There are a whole lot of people whose soul I would not choose to look into, even if I could. Some of them run our government. 

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.” 

That’s close to what Tevye sings, in Fiddler on the Roof: “If I were a rich man.” Only Allen already had piles of money. Tevye was more deserving.

“If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that He’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically, He’s an underachiever.”

In all good humor, there is a core of bitter truth to this. If anyone can call God an underachiever, I guess it is us Jews. We earned it. ■