Purim Shpiel: Smotrich appointed IDF chief of staff, lowers height requirements for soldiers

By EVE OLD

Published: MARCH 24, 2024 16:09

INCOMING IDF Chief of Staff Bezalel Smotrich is seen diminutively standing on his tip-toes next to a rather annoyed Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. (photo credit: Government Parody Office) — INCOMING IDF Chief of Staff Bezalel Smotrich is seen diminutively standing on his tip-toes next to a rather annoyed Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

(photo credit: Government Parody Office)

Purim Shpiel: The following is a satirical article from The Jerusalem Post's annual parodic Purim page, The Jerusalem Roast. Enjoy!

The Jerusalem Roast, a satirical news section on The Jerusalem Post in honor of Purim (credit: JERUSALEM POST)

Fed up with his criticism of the IDF leadership, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has appointed Bezalel Smotrich as the next chief of general staff.

“You don’t like anyone, then you do it,” the prime minister reportedly told Smotrich at their weekly contra-dance chug.

Smotrich’s first decision was to lower the height requirement to obtain a weapon.

“I’ve been dying to wrap my hands around an Uzi,” said the diminutive, bearded gnome-like figure, jumping up and down for joy in a hassidic frenzy.

The second move by the new lieutenant-general who had an appropriately “short” period of service in the IDF was to take lessons in how to use a weapon and in the abbreviations frequently used in IDF jargon.

Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich is seen speaking ahead of his Religious Zionist Party faction meeting at the Israeli Knesset, in Jerusalem, on January 2, 2023. (credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM/THE JERUSALEM POST)

When asked for his thoughts about his successor, outgoing chief Herzi Halevi said, “The chief of staff needs to be able to see the bigger picture. Smotrich is too small – that is to say, small-minded, to see the full extent of a Polaroid.”

Harsh backlash came from left-wing politician and former IDF deputy chief of staff Yair Golan. “The IDF isn’t some amusement park for deranged thrills,” he said. “And even if it were, Smotrich isn’t tall enough for the rides.”