Respecting our wives: Honoring ourselves
One of the most well-known examples of deception in the Torah is Lavan’s betrayal of Yaakov during his marriage arrangements. After Yaakov worked for seven years to marry Rachel, the woman he loved, Lavan tricked him by substituting Leah for Rachel on the wedding night. Yaakov, unaware of the switch until the next morning, was shocked and confronted Lavan about this betrayal. In response, Lavanclaimed it was customary in their region not to marry off the younger daughter before the elder. This forced Yaakov into an agreement to work an additional seven years to marry Rachel.
Rachel was given to Yaakov immediately after the seven-day shevabrachot period for Leah, under a new agreement that Yaakov would work for Lavan for another seven years. During this time, Yaakov had every justification to work less diligently or to reduce the quality of his efforts, as he had been cheated into this arrangement. However, Rashi (29; 30) explains that Yaakov worked the additional seven years with the same integrity and dedication as he had during the first seven years.
Why did he do this? One might argue it was due to Yaakov's inherent honesty. However, another comment by Rashi (29; 12) suggests that from the moment Yaakov met Lavan, he hinted that he was well aware of Lavan's deceitful nature and capable of being equally tricky if necessary. Yaakov essentially warned Lavan that any attempt to cheat him would be met with equal cunning. Despite this, Yaakov chose to maintain his integrity, showing his commitment to his values even in the face of Lavan's treachery, why did he do this?
Before attempting to answer this question, let us first examine how Yaakov's grandfather, Avraham Avinu, dealt with Efron when purchasing a burial place for his wife, Sarah.
Avraham approached Efron to purchase the Cave of Machpelah as a burial place for Sarah. Although Efron initially offered the land for free, he subtly insisted on an exorbitant price of 400 silver shekels. Avraham had the opportunity to accept the land for free or negotiate a fairer price, as is customary in real estate transactions. However, he chose not to bargain and allowed Efron to take advantage of him, paying the inflated price without objection.
We can suggest that although Avraham Avinu could have negotiated a better price, he insisted on paying the high price to honor his wife, Sarah. Even though she was no longer alive, Avraham wanted to show her the utmost respect. The honor of one’s wife is not only for her but also reflects on the husband, their children, and the entire family. Avraham understood this deeply and refused to compromise Sarah's dignity by bargaining. Through this act, Avraham taught us the importance of our matriarch Sarah and reminded us to always hold her in the highest regard. He also demonstrated the value of respecting one’s wife, as doing so elevates not only her but also oneself and one’s entire family.
The same reasoning applies to Yaakov. He could have worked less diligently and produced less, as Lavan’s deceit might have justified such behavior. However, Yaakov chose to work with all his might and deliver the highest quality of work. Why did he do this? The answer lies in the fact that this labor was part of the payment for his marriage to his wife. Yaakov refused to compromise, as doing so would diminish the respect and honor he held for his wife. One does not bargain when it comes to the dignity and respect of his wife. Bargaining is for the flea market, not for matters of such profound significance.
But this attitude was not only how Yaakov felt about his wives; it was a mutual feeling that worked both ways. Leah and Rachel also held their husband in high regard. We see this in many clear instances, such as the names they gave their children. For example, Leah named her firstborn Reuven, saying, "Since Hashem has seen my affliction, now my husband will love me." This shows that her main concern was how her husband felt, highlighting her deep respect and longing for his affection.
Another example is when Rachel asks for the dudaim that Reuvenbrought to his mother, Leah. These dudaim were clearly not ordinary plants; they were believed to have significant spiritual power. Some suggest that they had the ability to cure infertility, which Rachel desperately needed. Leah, understanding this, was willing to surrender them to Rachel in exchange for more time with Yaakov. This shows how much Leah valued the time spent with her husband, willing to make a sacrifice for it.
This highlights an important lesson in a generation where men are often ridiculed, such as in media that depicts them in degrading ways, or advertisements showing them as clumsy, bumping into walls, or speaking nonsense. These portrayals are part of the larger, troubling movements emerging worldwide. In contrast, the Torah’s outlook emphasizes that men should be highly respected. The same lesson applies here: just as a wife respects her husband, that respect will return to her, much like a boomerang.
This article was written in cooperation with Shuva Israel
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