'We need more faith in God': A million thoughts during war - opinion

It is 12 a.m. Finally, I go to sleep, exhausted.

I switched off the light in the salon; put my tea cup in the sink; took my husband’s shoes from under the table; picked up my son’s stickers from the floor with the other hand; balanced my phone on the books I was taking to my daughters’ room; moved laundry from washer to dryer; shut Elkah’s door; covered Chaim’s feet – it’s freezing at night; picked up Sara’s teddy bear that fell on the floor; and now I am finally in my room.

I get into bed, say Shema Yisrael, take off my reading glasses, turn off the light, and feel my soft pillow.

Here we go.

A million thoughts.

Silence finally... what if I suddenly hear noises on the stairs – terrorists? What’s that noise? What if they fall from the sky onto my porch? If they shoot down the door, where do I run? Which kid do I get first? I don’t have a safe room; where do I go?

What’s that noise? A plane, a warplane; why warplanes at this hour? Didn’t they fight earlier; and why over Jerusalem?

My feet are cold. I should have taken a hot bath – I am too tired. Poor hostages, they must be so cold there; where are they? How are they? I should pray more.

It works though, prayer works, two hostages were rescued! It’s incredible, open miracles, how did they survive?

I’m so selfish; what if I was kidnapped? Would I survive? They are such heroes.

I’m thirsty, I need a drink. I’m scared to get out of bed now. I’ll try to sleep. I must sleep, and I need to wake up early.

I can’t sleep. My husband snores. I should take him to a specialist. It’s impossible to sleep like this; I’ll turn the other way.

Is that rain I hear outside? It’s so cold. Poor soldiers, I’m thinking of them. How do they sleep in Gaza? How do they fight in the rain? So hard. Our soldiers are heroes, and the mothers of these soldiers are amazing and so strong. 

Chaim is seven; he still has time, baruch Hashem; he’s still home with me; maybe I should check on him again to see if he’s OK, now that he is still mine. I need to appreciate more time, life, and family.

I need to make healthier choices and make a healthier lunch for the kids. I should join a gym, and maybe I should start running in the park. What if I need to run while holding my kids? I won’t be able; I’m not fit; I must join a gym; tomorrow I’ll do it.

I need a vacation. I need to go shopping. I’m so stupid, who thinks of shopping now? There’s a war here. How much was that Zara skirt I saw? It was on sale; I should have bought it. I’ll go tomorrow, or maybe I’ll go to Milan for two days. Europe has crazy sales now. 

How horrible is Europe with all its pro-Palestine protests, from the river to the sea? They don’t even know which sea… sea... I should go to Herzliya for the day with the kids; the sea is so calm there. I love that place and miss it.

I’m still thirsty; should I turn on the light? I am afraid of making noise. Oh wow, look at that. He stopped snoring.

I am coughing. Am I sick? I heard COVID is back. Everyone is getting sick. Well, baruch Hashem, it’s like a cold now. COVID-19 seems a lifetime ago; better COVID or a war? Our kids are amazing; they have been through so much already – a deadly world virus, a war – but when will it end? I should try interviewing Bibi. I will start the process; I will call tomorrow. My people will get in touch with his people. Yeah, right, who am I? 

I should know by now that I am not 18 anymore. I should do more for my country, first for my family. I need to paint the front room.

I’m hungry; what can I eat? The hostages get half a pita a day. How do they survive? I don’t understand it, and the world doesn’t even talk about it. 

Tomorrow, I’m writing a new article. We need to make more noise. What’s that noise again? Maybe the Arab who cleans the stairs is back. He knows how to get into the building. How did I not think about it? 

I should wake up my husband. I am petrified. I can’t move. 

Don’t be silly. There’s no one. We live in a safe country now. We have security. 

OK, so how did they not see October 7 coming? Aren’t we supposed to be the safest and strongest country in the world? I guess so. 

We need more faith in God. We are so lucky we have Hashem. I need to pray more. Did I say Shema?

Soon we will see more revealed miracles. I am sure we just need to stay more positive and focused, we are winning the war, victory will be for all to see and celebrate like the fabulous story of Purim, Purim? Oh, I need to think of costumes for my kids. I wonder what Haman looked like, Sinwar? And Esther? What a great movie to make.

Who is it at the door? Someone is walking around the house! The door is opening. I should fake being dead. I can’t breathe.

“Ma, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.” 

“Oh, it’s you.” I almost had a heart attack. “Come into bed. Why can’t you sleep? What’s bothering you?”

As if there were a war going on here or horrible people sneaking children out of their beds and taking them to an underground tunnel, or young beautiful soldiers fighting for their nation and for their lives.

Hakol be’seder, hakol tov, go to bed and think of what you want to dress up as for Purim.

I want to be a superhero, ma…

Yes my love, you are, we all are superheroes.

Soon, my love, we won’t have to dream anymore; it will be real.

Very soon.

Layla tov. 

The writer, originally from Italy, lives in Jerusalem with her husband and four children. She heads HadassahChen Productions and hosts a weekly talk show on Arutz Sheva.