Catfishing and consent: The problems with dating online in 2024

Consent is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as “compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another.” Informed consent, in medicine, is the principle stating that a patient must have sufficient information and understanding before making serious medical decisions.

When it comes to sexual activity, it is fully informed consent that classifies appropriate sexual behavior. You must know what sexual intercourse is before engaging in it with a partner. Otherwise, you are not fully informed, and your partner has, therefore, not received consent.

That being said, if one party involved in the act of sexual intercourse is not fully informed about the identity of their sexual partner or, even worse, has been misinformed, they cannot, by definition, provide informed consent, as they are “out of the loop,” so to speak.

That means that if Tom, an accountant from Wyoming, gets to know Mary under the false identity of Frank, a surgeon from Kentucky, she is not informed, and if they engage in sexual intercourse while Tom is impersonating this character, Mary is, in fact, being raped.

This is the argument that was presented this week in a discussion of the Knesset’s Committee for the Advancement of Women and Gender Equality when the subject of impersonators – or, as they are known colloquially in English, catfishers – was the talk of the day.

Israel Police Supt. Meital Graff, at the meeting, revealed that the number of offenses of “Section 345 [of the law] regarding having sexual intercourse in deception” in 2022 was eight, while in 2023, it was a horrifying 36. That’s over a 400% increase, and it could be even more.

The victims presenting their testimonies in the meeting both revealed that the complaints they filed with the police were closed, at least one of which was due to a lack of evidence. That means there could be many more victims who have not come forward and many more still whose cases were closed before any supposedly proper investigation by the police.

Why does this matter?

But I digress: Women are having sex with men claiming to be someone else. So what?

For those active online, this is quite reminiscent of Blue Seat Studios’ video comparing sexual consent to drinking tea. To summarize, it compares the act of preparing tea for someone else to the act of sexual intercourse, and the metaphor is fantastic.

“If they’re unconscious, don’t make them tea,” he says. “Unconscious people don’t want tea, and they can’t answer the question, ‘Do you want tea?’ because they’re unconscious.”

I already know what the comments for this article are going to look like. I’ve made the mistake of looking at talkbacks one too many times. Let me respond ahead of time.

“Women are asking for trouble if they dress provocatively or go to bars.”

This argument makes little to no sense. How can someone be asking for something without asking for something? Is it body language? And if so, isn’t there loads of room for misinterpretation? That’s not something to just say “oops, sorry” about, if that’s the case.

“That’s what happens when you try online dating.”

No, it is not supposed to be. It is a sick thing to do, but that does not mean that women should be forced out of these platforms, especially when so many goodhearted men exist out there. Instead, it is the catfishers who should be forced out.

“Rape implies sexual violence or assault, not deceit.”

Like I said: Sex without consent is rape. Consent, in its fullest definition, requires full knowledge of the circumstances, and if you do not actually know who you are having sex with, you are not consenting knowingly and are therefore being raped.

The numbers relating to this phenomenon are far, far too high. This is beyond an issue of concern; it is outright fear. As Graff said at the meeting, this sort of data repeatedly reminds us that anyone could fall victim to such evil that toys with one’s emotions.

It is on the government to pass clearer legislation that’d make the courts fall in line and inflict harsh and consistent punishments – something missing until now – on sex offenders who catfish in order to get sex.

The writer is managing editor of The Jerusalem Post’s website, JPost.com.