Why we struggle to say no: insights from neuropsychologist Alba Cardalda

Alba Cardalda, a Spanish neuropsychologist, has explored the challenges people face in setting boundaries in her book How to Tell Someone to Go to Hell Politely ("Cómo mandar a la mierda de forma educada"). She noticed that many of her patients struggled in their personal relationships because they couldn't say "enough." This difficulty in asserting oneself and saying "no" is a widespread issue that affects emotional health and the quality of relationships.

Many people find it challenging to set boundaries due to various reasons, including fear of exclusion, creating a negative self-image, or the need to please those around them. People often think they are selfish or even bad if they refuse something, leading them to prioritize what others want over their own feelings. Society teaches individuals to prioritize what others want or demand over valuing their own feelings or being honest about what they want or do not want. This tendency results in people doing things they do not feel like doing, such as agreeing to plans with friends or family even when they are tired and do not want to.

Cardalda states, "When we have been taught from a very young age that saying no can mean being rejected or having a negative opinion of us, it generates fear because it is a threat to our self-concept that is rooted in self-esteem." Fear or guilt play an important role in people who cannot say "no." This dependency makes people unhappy because they make decisions based on pleasing others. Ignoring our preferences is a form of self-sabotage that damages our self-esteem and is a lack of self-care, which has a significant effect.

In a digitalized world that exacerbates the need for approval, it is more difficult to say no. The need for approval is inherent to being human because we are social beings; excessive social approval, especially promoted by social media that quantifies approval with likes, can lead to dependency and loss of individuality. If a person needs external approval to feel valuable, it leads to a loss of individuality and the ability to make decisions.

Setting boundaries is essential for preserving our well-being. Alba Cardalda emphasizes that "the only way to build healthy relationships is with honesty and respecting our own limits and those of others." Not valuing what we truly want leads to accumulating small discomforts that can significantly affect our lives and emotional health. Setting boundaries preserves dignity, brings peace of mind, and is essential for emotional health; it is almost an obligation to oneself.

Alba Cardalda explains that there are different types of boundaries, such as physical and emotional boundaries, and emotional boundaries are the hardest to set. Emotional boundaries are harder to set because they are not visible, making it less clear when they are crossed compared to physical boundaries, like closing a door. Knowing oneself is important for setting boundaries; one should identify negotiable and non-negotiable limits. She recommends identifying these limits to help in setting boundaries effectively.

To overcome the fear or guilt of saying no, one must first be aware and identify why they are unable to set a limit, such as asking themselves, "Why didn't I say 'no' to this person? Am I afraid they will get angry or think I'm selfish?" Only by answering these questions can we identify the problem. Practicing saying no in a way that feels comfortable is important. Setting small daily goals to overcome fears, such as practicing saying "no" in a comfortable way, can help.

Alba Cardalda emphasizes the need for gradual work to overcome fear or guilt about saying "no"; we can't expect to overcome it overnight. With people who do not treat us well or do not respect our limits, it is important to know how to put distance. She explains that it's different to say "I don't want to" than to give a more assertive but still honest and respectful argument about what we desire. To tell someone to go to hell politely, clarity is essential; Alba Cardalda recommends clarity above all.

People who make us feel guilty are engaging in terrible manipulation. Alba Cardalda refers to this manipulation as "emotional blackmail." Emotional blackmail can be explicit and easy to detect or subtle and difficult to recognize. An example of subtle emotional blackmail is when we do something for someone else and unconsciously expect them to do the same for us; if they don't reciprocate, we get angry. Behaving in a way that makes the other person feel bad if they don't do what we want has a subtle manipulative element that must be identified for healthy relationships.

Maintaining healthy relationships contributes to our well-being and happiness. According to the longest study on happiness ever conducted, led by Harvard University psychiatry professor Robert Waldinger, people are happier to the extent that they have better social connections with their close environment. This study demonstrated that maintaining healthy connections with others is more important than factors like exercising a lot, living in nature, being financially well-off, or working in what you like.

For relationships to be healthy, there must be honesty; people need to express themselves sincerely and transparently. Having uncomfortable conversations is essential for building healthy, strong, and lasting relationships. In her book, Alba Cardalda states that we cannot understand boundaries without discussing basic assertive rights. Basic assertive rights include the right to have one's own opinion, to say "no" or "yes", to be treated with respect and dignity, to change one's mind, and to own one's own time, body, and life. These rights are those we all have by being human and must be clear and respected both in ourselves and in others.

Culture plays a fundamental role in assertiveness and setting boundaries. In Latin America, it is more complex to set boundaries because society is more complacent compared to Anglo-Saxon cultures. In Anglo-Saxon cultures, people tend to be more polite and respect the 'no' in a politically correct way. There are also differences between men and women; women tend to be more complacent than men. Religion plays an important role; the original sin of Judeo-Christian culture is related to feeling guilty for setting boundaries or expressing what we really feel or need.

As people age, they care less about what others think or say and prioritize their close circle. With age, individuals become more aware of the value of time and prioritize what truly matters accordingly. They value their close circle more and are less troubled if someone doesn't like what they said. The need for approval changes with age.

Alba Cardalda's insights shed light on why we struggle to say no and the importance of setting boundaries for our emotional health and the health of our relationships. By understanding and applying these principles, individuals can work towards building more honest, respectful, and fulfilling connections with others.

Sources: BBC, El Deber, La Nacion

This article was written in collaboration with generative AI company Alchemiq